Roller Coaster Ride

Friday, October 08, 2010 Nicajoice 0 Comments

This week has been a lot like a roller coaster ride for me. There were highs and lows, hopefulness and helplessness, jealousy and admiration, finding and longing, giving and taking, rest and exhaustion; I could reach the very peak of happiness, then back to emptiness, but then I find myself in bliss once again – life is just a cycle of recurring emotions, people and events.

Monday was not a good day for me. I was sick. I was down with fever and cold, headache and muscle pain. But I pushed myself to work, thinking I could manage. But, it was really terrible. What makes me hate being sick is the knowledge that nobody’s going to take care of me. When I was younger, I “enjoyed” having a fever because my parents would take care of me. Mamang or Papang would feed me, they would make sure I drink my medicine on time, I would just lie on the couch watching TV all day and I would eat biscuits and drink Royal (carbonated orange drink) because I wouldn’t have appetite for the usual food, and when I would fall asleep right there, Papang would carry me to my bed.

Back in college, Ate Cindy would do the things that my parents were supposed to do if they were with me. She would make sure I ate and took my medicine on time. She would do things for me that she hadn’t even done for her own sister. Then came Ian, he pampered me too much it even reached a point that I became too dependent on him. He would go to my boarding house just to bring me food even in the middle of the night; he would buy medicine for me when I got sick. If he was too busy to visit, he would call me every hour, he would even set his alarm just to make sure I wouldn’t miss taking my medicine.

Now, my parents are far from me. I only see them once or twice a year. Ate Cindy is already married and we only see each other on very rare occasions. And Ian is simply gone. Tsk!

And when I’m sick, I lose focus. I tend to look at what’s missing, what’s not here, what should be here, what could have been here. And the negativity begins. So, instead of being grateful at the countless blessings that are right before me, I start feeling envious of what others have. I wish that I have a boyfriend who’s like this (med intern, pianist, etc.) and like that (tall, dark, and handsome). I wish that I don’t have to work too much to earn money. And all other wishes that spring from feelings of discontent and pessimism.

But, I thank God for showing me that I am still loved. Not by the people I wish who love me but by the people who genuinely care for me even if I am not perfect and I am just me. I thank Ate Jane, my officemate, for her genuine kindness, for eating with me during dinner time and for even washing my lunchbox when I was sick; for Jane (liit) for going with me to the clinic to get some medicine; for my other officemates and friends who showed concern. I love them all.

Oh no, I was supposed to write about my Monday to Friday experiences but I think this is too long already. I just have to end here.

By the way, Ian is back! We’re texting again but he is as cold as ice. We are not allowed to talk about personal stuff, just pure business. Fine! Just as long as were “friends” again.

I just so love roller coaster rides!