Yes, I Have These Thoughts

Tuesday, October 25, 2011 Nicajoice 0 Comments

Sometimes, I think about disappearing from your life. To not exist in your world anymore. And for you not to exist in mine. Sometimes I feel like it's a lot easier to just slip away than to try to make you realize my worth. And when I think the opposite (to stay, to linger) I believe I don't want to merely exist... I want to be a significant part of you; someone whose presence is cherished. Someone whose absence is felt. And because it is such a difficult thing to do, I'd rather leave. Go away. Move on. Forget that there's that small world out there where both of us breathe the same air. Where I could hear your actual voice, and not the one that's been constantly ringing in my head.

And to be honest, I don't exactly know why you are making me write all these things... feel this way... think this way. Why a part of me wants to hold on, nourish this almost hopeless pursuit and the other side of me wants to end this before I totally fall for you. But you know what, more often, I'd just like to go where this feeling leads me. This is nothing new. I've been through this. And I know, my heart knows, that if this comes to nothing, I'd eventually move on. And after some time, you will become just one of the crowd. Though I would surely search for your face in the sea of smiling and frowning souls, hopefully at that time (God only knows when) you will just blend in, and I won't have to feel the need for you to look my way. And everything, will go back back to the way it is. A life void of you.

But you know,  the disappearing, vanishing, going away part is my brain talking. My heart says otherwise. 

photo taken here