The Waiting Series: Person Worth Fighting For
It feels as if the last post I wrote for this series was just yesterday. It's surprising how time flies so fast when you are having fun, or even when days are not fun at all. Honestly, because Fridays seem to arrive more quickly these days, I don't really have a clear idea what to write today. And actually, I'm feeling quite heavy...for a number of reasons, which I won't go into detail right now. Because you know, it's something I can't publish. Sad.
Anyway, let me just share something. Last Friday, my ex-boyfriend sent me a message (yes, we still communicate once in awhile, mostly about business, nothing personal) asking what time I finish work. I said 6pm. Then he asked if I have things to do after work. Even though I was actually bound for boredom that night, I answered "Yes. Lots of errands to do." I had a feeling he'd like to see me, talk about something or whatever. If he asked months and months ago, I would have immediately grabbed the chance to see him. I would have answered, "Nothing. I am free tonight.Why?" Things are different now. And the more I get to know myself, the more I realize that he is not the kind of person I want to be with. That I can live without him. That breaking up with him was the wisest decision I've ever made. It's not that I hate him, cause I've already moved on. It's just that he doesn't fit in my life anymore. I don't want him in my life anymore.
I believe, this rings true...
He had the chance. But he chose to leave. It was his right. At that time, he chose to follow his own path without me tagging along because maybe, I was such a pain in the neck. And I wouldn't blame him for that.
I believe, waiting is not being in the same place, watching as people go back and forth. It is a journey. And along the way, we join the people moving back and forth. Some of them take our hands and walk with us, run with us, wait with us. Some of them entertain us a bit then off they go - into their own personal legends (without us). Even those we thought would hold our hands forever can betray us. But then, we may also choose the ones who'll keep us company and the ones to let go. It is our decision too.
I am guilty of reserving spaces in my heart. I can't love someone new because what if this guy suddenly realizes we're meant to be? What if he comes back? What if this guy likes me too? I can't go somewhere far coz I won't see him anymore. I can't go abroad because I'll leave these people behind. Then only to realize that I am the only one caring. Only to see that "that guy", "those people" are living their happy lives and I'm stuck, thinking that they need me.
Geez. This is getting depressing already. haha.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, at some point, some time, somewhere, someone will come along who will do what it takes to deserve that space in your heart - in my heart. Who'll be willing to fight for us. But before that time comes. we have to love ourselves and become that person worth all the effort, worth fighting for.